Why You Should Make a Fool of Yourself
February 14, 2011 by Steve Pogue
Filed under Recent MMMs, Recognition, Tolerance
Heather Holleman,
English,
Penn State University
[Feb. 27, 2011] —
Some students who regularly frequent local bars recently told me that the reason why college students drink so much is because it’s the only time they don’t feel self-conscious. Alcohol makes them feel free to be themselves. Without it, they worry so much about making a fool of themselves.
Today I reasoned that making a fool of yourself might not be such a bad thing.
I remember being terribly self-conscious in high school and college (who isn’t?). I remember agonizing over whether people liked me and whether I was impressive. Years of trying to manage other people’s perceptions of me exhausted me.
But in one terrible semester of graduate school, I stopped trying to impress people.That year, I nearly failed out of school.
A certain professor mocked me publicly, claimed I wasn’t fit for graduate school, and implied that there had been a mistake in the application process that allowed me into a Ph.D. program. The tormenting shame I felt for that (and for nearly every mistake I was making personally that year), drove me into hiding and despair.
And it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Before that year, I was self-conscious to the point of never being my true self. But when my worst fears were imagined and everybody saw me as a failure, a beautiful thing happened.
It wasn’t that bad. It actually felt like freedom.
I was free to be exactly who I wanted to be. I stopped expending energy on wondering what people thought (I already knew—it wasn’t good), and instead I asked myself what I could do to serve the academic community there. I figured out how much I loved teaching, I wrote an entire dissertation on the emotion of shame (how convenient!), and I didn’t have to try to earn anyone’s approval (I had already lost it).
And of course, as these things always go, I had more friends, more accolades, and more respect from professors than ever. That one grumpy professor even apologized to me. People like people who aren’t self-conscious. They like people who can make a fool of themselves.
I haven’t struggled with self-esteem since then. What drives self-esteem issues is a profound fear of being exposed as a loser, a fraud, a fool. Well, maybe we need to be exposed.
I wonder if college students wouldn’t drink so much if they gathered their friends together, admitted their weaknesses, regularly did ridiculous things that made them supremely self-conscious, and tested the theory that we’d all love them more because of it.
Why not practice letting people see you at your worst? When it happens to you (like it happened to me), you recover, you find that people love you even more, and you stop trying to impress everybody.
© 2011 Heather Holleman
A Lesson From Hutchmoot
November 10, 2010 by Steve Pogue
Filed under Priorities, Recent MMMs, Recognition
Mark Geil,
Kinesiology and Health,
Georgia State University
[Nov 14, 2010] –
I attended a conference not related to work this past summer. No abstracts or vendor booths or poster presentations. Biomechanics, my discipline, was not mentioned once.
No, this was “Hutchmoot,” a conference of Christian musicians, authors, artists – creative types convening to figure out what it means to be a storyteller. Particularly a storyteller who is part of an eternal Story.
Unworthy
One thing in particular, one common thread in many of the presentations, struck me as I juxtaposed this gathering to a typical academic conference. One after another, a speaker mentioned a season in life when he or she felt hopelessly unworthy:
- Unworthy of this calling to minister.
- Unworthy to create art in the presence of the Master Artist.
- Unworthy to wear this banner of love that is creation.
For many, this was mentioned as an almost daily struggle, and several gave testimonies of almost quitting at least once or twice. Their tales were similar as they discovered their worth as a child of God. For many it was a rediscovery of God’s love for each of us and the boundless gift of grace.
Detached Admiration
These stories fascinated me, and I regarded them with a detached admiration — and the strong sense that I really consider myself worthy a bit too much.
After all, it is my job to be an authority in my discipline. Decisions regarding things like promotion and tenure take into account my reputation among my peers, both nationally and internationally. I’m an “expert” witness in the courtroom, an author who has passed rigorous peer-review, and I stand before students every day as the authority from which they might learn.
It’s not just those trappings of academia that trouble me, though. I have long had a ridiculous internal confidence. If I read about an award, I promptly apply and I assume I will win. If I submit a proposal for a grant, I start making plans for the inevitable funding, even if only 10% of those proposals ever get funded. Ostensibly, I’m in a good profession, because all those elements of reputation and authority tend to grow symbiotically with my own rather narcissistic self-assurance.
Discoveries of Grace
So, I marveled at the artists’ tales of their felt inadequacy and shuddered at my own perceived worthiness. I realized their little discoveries of grace were like the return of the prodigal son, and my Pharisaical superiority more like the older brother’s curmudgeonly pouting.
Now I am struggling, but in a good way. I want to be perceived as an authority who knows he is worthless apart from grace. There’s a balance there, even in academia, as I recognize that worthiness cannot be attained merely through my knowledge or station.
Seeking knowledge is certainly a good thing, but any “authority” I attain thereby is due to a sliver of insight about God’s vast and extraordinary creation, and that sliver is a gift from the ultimate, and most worthy, Authority.
© 2010 Mark Geil